Harry Potter and the Plot Parody!
by WickerB
Summary: “No! I’m-” the Powerpuff Girl ripped off her large head, revealing – “WORMTAIL!” (Finished)
1. Musicals and new janitors

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Important Author's Notes: I started this story when I began to see several repeats of similar plots in the Harry Potter section. However, this story is in no way saying that the stories represented or any material/persons presented here are bad, or that they are stupid, or any other implication of discrimination. I have absolutely nothing against the characters, people, themes, plot lines, or anything else you feel I may be insulting. This story is only meant to poke fun at stuff, not to hurt other's feelings, suggest that certain stories should be banned or anything like that. If you feel I am doing this, consider the fact that there would be no humour in the world if it wasn't making fun of something.

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BIG THANKS TO JIFFER AND SILVER PHOENIX, WHO BETA READ THIS CHAPTER!

Disclaimer: I own not. So sue not. 

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Harry Potter and the Plot Parody (and other unrelated issues)

Alan of Trebond was a highly unusual boy in many ways. For one thing, he was not the focus of this story. Some kid named Harry was. Anyway…

Harry Potter woke up in the morning with a burning pain on his scar.

"GYAAAAHHHHHHHHH! It burns!" he yelled. 

Harry shot straight up and saw that his best friend, Ron Weasley, was standing over him with a red-hot branding iron.

"Ron! What in the name of Dungbombs do you think you're doing?" Harry asked indignantly.

"I was branding a rain cloud on your forehead."

"What!"

"I said-" Ron began.

"I heard you before! Why in bloody hell would you do something like that?"

"Well," said Ron, "you've already got a lightning shaped scar, and you can't have lightning without rain clouds."

"Yes you can," Harry disagreed. "It's called dry lightning."

"How am I supposed to know? I never went to a Muggle school, and my parents never told me anything."

"Like how you're not supposed to brand your best friend?' Harry asked sarcastically.

"Mom might've mentioned it once," Ron said thoughtfully, "but I don't remember it exactly. Besides, it doesn't look that bad, and it gives your scar a 3-dimensional effect."

Harry sighed. "I suppose so. It's better than what I thought it was burning for. I figured Voldemort was back for another go."

"He probably is. The day's off to a weird start already, so he should be here sometime tonight," Ron advised.

"Probably," Harry agreed, "He's like a Fanged Frisbee, he keeps on coming back to bite you in the arse." 

*8*8*8*8*8*

Harry was making his way down to the Great Hall to eat breakfast when he met up with Hermione and Ron.

"Harry, what's that on your forehead?" Hermione said as she spotted his slightly altered scar.

"It's a rain cloud. What's it to you?"

"Looks more like road-kill than a cloud."

Ron went neon red in the face and retorted, "So? Maybe he'll start a new trend!"

"Yeah," Harry said as they and all the other students got seated in the Great Hall. "It's not like all of your ideas are big hits."

"Give an example of one idea of mine that hasn't worked," Hermione said skeptically.

"Does 'spew' ring the bell?" said Ron. A fire alarm went off and Ron looked triumphantly at Hermione.

"Well, it hasn't finished yet!" Hermione defended. "I'm still working on it!"

"I thought it ended when you tried to sell badges to the Slytherins," Harry said. 

The little devils they spoke of were currently showing off some of the varieties of cheese they had swiped from Hogsmeade. Those losers. Who steals cheese, anyway? 

"Didn't they all buy the badges, though_?" _Ron asked.

"Yes, but when I turned around, they threw them at me all at the same time. It was rather painful having two hundred and fifty badges hit me simultaneously in the head. But that's beside the point. It doesn't mean that S. P. E. W. won't work!"

"Don't worry, Hermione. We'll say a little prayer for you," said Ron as if it was a line from an extremely cheesy feel-good movie. He also completely compromised his character.

"What do you mean?"

Ron nodded at Harry, who took the hint immediately. All in an instant, music started playing in the background and both Harry and Ron began to sing.

"_The moment I wake up, before I put on my make up_!"

Ginny, Lavender and Parvati, who had caught on, sang with them. "_I say a little prayer for you_!"

"_While combing my hair now, while wondering what dress to wear now_!

All of Harry's year joined in. "_I say a little prayer for you_!" 

Profanities and suggestions as to whether they were Drag Queens or not were directed to the boys singing. But they, like in all musicals, ignored the people not involved because that would break all rules of **belting** out your favorite tune. Who cares how off key you are?

"_Forever and ever you'll stay in my heart, and I will love you_-" 

The entire Gryffindor table (and a few Hufflepuffs, too) was singing now. "-_Forever and ever we never will part. Oh, how I love you! Together! Forever! That's how it should be, and life without you would only mean heartbreak for me_!"

"_I run for the bus, dear. While riding I think of us, dear_--" Ron sang as he jumped onto the table and tap danced.

"WE GET THE POINT ALREADY!" said a random teacher. Many students cheered in agreement. The music stopped. Hermione's eyes shone with appreciation.

"Did you really mean that?"

"No," Harry said flatly. "We just needed a musical number."

"Oh…Well, your scar still sucks!"

"And so does yours." 

Hermione looked around frantically and tugged her pants up. No one was supposed to know about _that_ scar.

"So," Ron said as he scooped six sausages onto his plate and drowned them in Tabasco sauce, "What do we have first?"

"Potions," Hermione said.

"Oh, *****beep*! Why do we have to take classes with that mother *beep*in' son of a *beep* and the *beep*hole Slytherins?!"

"Harry! Since when are you a potty mouth?" Hermione demanded. Indeed, dirt had spewed out of his mouth and had soiled his robes.

"Malfoy calls me Potty, so I figured that I must be one."

"Oh, I suppose that explains everything," Ron mused, stroking his chin and looking a lot like Sigmund Freud. "Better dust yourself off, then, before we leave."

"Right," Harry said, and he pulled a Black-and-Decker dust-buster from behind his back. He pushed the button, and it spluttered and died. They watched it's little dust-buster soul gain wings and flutter up to heaven. "What – was that for?"

"Muggle devices don't work at Hogwarts," Hermione told them stuffily. Harry nodded in realization.

"Ooooohhhhhh…"

As soon as they had finished eating their healthy breakfast of Lucky Charms (it was even educational! When you add milk, a chemical reaction occurs and a magic star appears in the big, orange moons!) they headed down towards the dungeons. On their way, to their astonishment, they saw Frodo Baggins, Captain Canuck, and Sailor Moon. All three of them were scrubbing the floors.

"What are you all doing here?" demanded Ron, his mouth hanging open.

Sailor Moon was the one who answered him. "I fell into a hole and got here somehow. Captain Canuck was sent here to destroy some Dark Lord, and Frodo's a long lost relative of Dobby."

"…What?" Harry said incredulously.

"When we got here, we figured that Dumbledore person would enroll us at this school because that's what usually happens, see?" said Frodo. "But instead, he said we didn't qualify and made us help the caretaker clean the castle as punishment for bothering him. I don't see what the big deal is. He was only chucking throwing stars at a picture of Barney." 

Harry, Ron, and Hermione just stood there. 

"Okay…" Hermione said.

"It's a bummer, dude," Captain Canuck said as he wiped the Jell-O off of a random cryptic message on the wall. "I was totally hoping to see that Harry Potter dude."

"I am Harry Potter."

"Dude, you are so not."

"Yes I am!"

"Then where's your scar, dude?" Captain Canuck said arrogantly.

"Right here!" said Harry, pulling back the hair on his forehead.

"Dude, Harry Potter has a lightning shaped scar!"

"It's there, see?" Harry leaned in closer so that Captain Canuck could see better.

"Then what's that funky mess on top of it?" Sailor Moon asked.

"It's a rain cloud!" Ron replied irritably.

"Looks more like road-kill than a cloud," she concluded.

"Ha! I told you!"

"Hermione, now's not the time to gloat!' Harry sighed in exasperation.

"Look here," said Frodo. "Everyone knows that Harry Potter has a lightning shaped scar on his forehead. We don't even have the Harry Potter books in Middle Earth, and even I know that fact."

"I have books?" Harry blinked twice. 

Ron coughed and looked out the window. He had given J. K. Rowling permission to rip-off Harry's life story in exchange for all the royalties.

"Dude, you're totally not Harry Potter so stop trying to be, dude!" Captain Canuck cut in.

"Of course he's Harry Potter!" Hermione protested.

"Prove it, then," challenged Sailor Moon. "Show us you invisibility cloak!"

"It's up in my dormitory."

"A likely story!"

"Listen, you hairy footed git, I-"

"Harry, don't bother. They're obviously just too thick headed for what you're saying to sink in," Hermione reasoned as she pulled Ron and Harry away from the three and towards the dungeons.

"I resent that!" Frodo yelled after them.


	2. Love, truth, and bloopers

Author's Notes: I started this story when I began to see several repeats of similar plots in the Harry Potter section. However, this story is in no way saying that the stories represented or any material/persons presented here are bad, or that they are stupid, or any other implication of discrimination. I have absolutely nothing against the characters, people, themes, plot lines, or anything else you feel I may be insulting. This story is only meant to poke fun at stuff, not to hurt other's feelings, suggest that certain stories should be banned or anything like that. If you feel I am doing this, consider the fact that there would be no humour in the world if it wasn't making fun of something.

Disclaimer: I own not one hair on my body, so why should I own Harry Potter?

They arrived an hour early, but Snape saw otherwise.

"Potter! Granger! Weasley! You're late! 5 million points from Gryffindor!"

"Dammit!"

"That's another 10 thousand points, Potter!" At that remark Harry broke down and cried.

"Oh, boo hoo for you. Sit down and stop sniveling, Potter, or else go cry me a river," said Snape because he is a greasy insensitive git. Harry sat down and stopped crying because he had forgotten his reason to do so. 

Soon the rest of the class had showed up, and Snape had begun to explain truth potions to them.

"Can anyone tell me what part does a teddy bear play in making a truth potion?" No one but Hermione raised their hand, because Snape is a greasy insensitive git.

"Ms. Granger?"

The whole class gasped. Hermione went white as icing sugar and started hyperventilating.

"You actually picked me? You never pick me! I GET TO ANSWER THE QUESTION!!!" Hermione passed out from shock before she could actually answer.

Snape smirked because he is a greasy insensitive git and said, "That was worth waiting for."

Ron's eyes widened enough to clog the Windsor tunnel. "You were planning that all along?!"

"Yes, Weasley."

"You greasy insensitive git!" Harry accused, then both he and Ron put their heads down on their desks and cried. Snape continued the lesson.

They all got their potions finished (even the Dream Team, who managed to give Hermione a miraculous recovery using dental floss and a gong). Malfoy and Neville had been paired together, and oddly enough Malfoy was willing to test the potion.

"He was paired with me, how can anything go wrong?" were Malfoy's last words before drinking the potion dry. He sat for a moment, then looked around at the class in triumph. He was fine, until he laid eyes on Hermione.

"I LOVE YOU, HERMIONE!" Draco Malfoy flung onto Hermione and clutched her leg lovingly.

"GAH! Cooties!" she said as she desperately tried to shake him off while Colin Creevey took as many pictures as he could.

"Creevey! What do you think you're doing here?!" Snape yelled as he sprayed spit all over the class.

"Just looking for blackmail opportunities, Professor."

"Aren't you supposed to be in class?" Snape replied.

"No. I've stopped going to class. Someone's got to gather blackmail evidence."

"Oh, shut up Creevey. I didn't bother listening to you anyway, so just leave," Snape said evilly because he is a greasy insensitive git.

Colin burst into tears and ran sobbing down the hallways. Snape rounded on Neville again. "Longbottom, what exactly did you do to Malfoy?"

Neville looked at Malfoy, of whom was now trying to kiss a rather feisty Hermione while Harry and Ron tried to pry him off their friend.

"I think it's a love potion, Professor."

"A love potion that makes the drinker fall in love with a person whose name starts with H, ridiculously enough. 100 points from Gryffindor for not knowing that," Snape corrected meanly.

"Why couldn't he love me then?" said the Gryffindor 5th year Havannah Blojobb.

"Because you are an unknown stupid girl who was never mentioned before and your name is sick." Havannah dissolved into tears because Snape is a greasy insensitive git.

Everyone ignored her. 

"Well Harry," Ron said as he had finished gulping down his truth potion (they had come to the conclusion that Hermione could fend for herself and abandoned her). "I meant to make you look stupid when I branded that rain cloud on your forehead because I'm jealous of you and I already have to compete with all my brothers at home."

"You flobberworm!" Harry yelled back, also under the effects of the truth potion. "I knew it! You were always jealous of my Quidditch talent, my fame, my intelligence-"

"Intelligence? Do you even know what that means?" Ron retorted.

"Yes, do you?"

Ron suddenly adopted the look of a deer in headlights. "Yeah – well – um…" The class anxiously awaited his comeback. "…you ah – you – er – um…"

Snape of who had begun to cackle madly cut him off, because he's a greasy insensitive git. "I caught you off guard, Potter! Now I can find out if you really stole anything from my office last year!"

"Dammit!"

"Now, Potter," said Snape as he sat down across from Harry. "Did you steal anything from my stores?"

"No, but Hermione did in the second year so we could make a Polyjuice Potion to transform us into Slytherins so we could interview Malfoy to see if he set the basilisk on the students. That was nothing. You should hear about the time Hermione and I used a time turner to save Buckbeak the Hippogriff and Sirius Black! That was a riot, seeing ourselves getting whomped by the willow…"

The whole class stared at Harry with their mouths ajar. Even Snape, the greasy insensitive git, was surprised. "Would you tell me about it?" he finally said, a Grinch-like smile crossing his face. "And any other times you've broken the rules?"

"Sure!" Harry was oblivious to Ron and Hermione shaking their heads vigorously and mouthing 'No for the love of Bert and Ernie!'

"Hermione had been given a time turner to help her with her studies, and Professor Dumbledore told us to turn it three times, and-" Just then class ended and Harry's friends marched him out of the room. They had much difficulty, because a love-struck Malfoy was still clinging to Hermione's leg. Snape was very disappointed. He had always liked story time.

"Okay," Ron said, as they climbed up the steps to their next class, "Now that you've stopped your babbling spree, I can tell you to nevAAHHH!"

*Ron suddenly trips and falls down the stairs*

Director: Cut?

Harry: Since when is there a director?

Take 2

Hermione: Ron, why are we suddenly reliving this moment in our lives?

Harry: I think it's all that weird man's fault. How come he just suddenly appeared? I've never seen him here before.

Hermione: And where did all these cameras and sound equipment come from?

Ron: *prodding the equipment* I wonder if- *The equipment he was prodding falls down and squishes Malfoy* -um…oops.

Malfoy: X.X

Director: Cut!

Harry: Just who the hell are you already?!

Take 3

Ron: Hey, we're dragging you up the stairs again!

Malfoy: Pookie, this feels like deja vu.

Hermione: Of course this feels like deja vu! And don't call me Pookie! Here, have a Scooby Snack. *She hands Malfoy a Scooby Snack and he gobbles it down* If that won't shut you up I'll get Ron to squish you again. Stupid retard.

Director: Cut! Hermione, you aren't supposed to give him a Scooby Snack!

Harry: What do you think you're doing here!?

Take 4

Ron: Arrggh! This is the fourth time now!

Hermione: It's just like that year I had the time-turner! *All stare off into space into a completely unrelated flashback*

Moses: Free my people!

Ramses: Make me!

*The flashback ends and everyone stops staring into space*

Director: Cut! What did that have to do with anything?

Take 5

Harry: That's it! Let's just throw that idiot out the window!

All: Yes! Let's!

Director: Wait! What do you think you're doing?

Ron: We're throwing you out, you lousy bag of pastrami!

*They proceed to throw the director out the window and watch him screaming fall down onto a giant pillow conveniently placed under the window*

"Okay," Hermione said clapping your hands together, "Now that that's over with, we can return to normal writing format."

Draco blinked like a badly drawn anime character and asked, confused, "What about a doormat?" Before anyone could say "She said format, retard", Pansy Parkinson blasted out of a broom closet and dragged Malfoy away.

"Oh Dracy-poo, can I paint your nails?" Pansy asked sweetly.

"NOOOOO!!!!"

"Er…" said Harry, looking back at his friends, "We'll pretend we didn't see that."

BRRIINNNGGG!! Went a phone beside Ron. 

"Hey! A telephone!" Ron exclaimed in glee. Harry and Hermione gasped.

"Ron! You - you got the name right!" Hermione stammered.

BRRRIIINNNNGGGG!!

"Wow! Do I get a prize or something?"

"No. Just a smidgen of your dignity back," Harry explained.

BRRRRIIIINNNNNGGGGG!!

"Dignity? That's it? What kind of cra-"

"Just answer the phone already!" Hermione yelled.

"Fine, sheesh." Ron picked up the phone and put it to his ear. "Hello?"

"_Seven Days_," whispered a creepy voice on the other line.

"What? Who is this?"

"_Everyone shall suffer_."

"I'm sorry, but I'm not allowed to talk to strangers. Goodbye." Ron hung up and promptly the phone rang again. He picked it up once more and said, "Hello?"

"WHY IN HELL DID YOU HANG UP ON ME?! I WAS GETTING TO THE BEST PART!"

"Fine then. Go ahead, say it."

"_I know what you did last summer._"

"What? I don't have to listen to this!" Ron slammed the phone on the receiver and left, stomping loudly enough to make little bits of fungus fall from the roof.

BRING!

Harry picked up the phone this time. "Yes?"

"He ate Jell-O on cheese bread last summer, right?"

"No, he ate a Wendy's Big Bacon Classic®."

"Dammit!" The person hung up. Hermione and Harry looked at each other for a moment, then shrugged and followed Ron. 

I WASN'T TRYING TO BASH FRODO! Sorry if you felt that way, Lady Dragon, but that was not what I was trying to do. Did you read the note at the beginning? I like Frodo! I like Lord of the Rings! I've only seen the movies, but oh well! I am very sorry. They were frustrated because no one would believe Harry. It's just a story. My apologies for upsetting you.


	3. Princesses and chat rooms

Author's Notes: I started this story when I began to see several repeats of similar plots in the Harry Potter section. However, this story is in no way saying that the stories represented or any material/persons presented here are bad, or that they are stupid, or any other implication of discrimination. I have absolutely nothing against the characters, people, themes, plot lines, or anything else you feel I may be insulting. This story is only meant to poke fun at stuff, not to hurt other's feelings, suggest that certain stories should be banned or anything like that. If you feel I am doing this, consider the fact that there would be no humour in the world if it wasn't making fun of something.

Disclaimer: I own nothing of the material presented here. I'm just using it illegally! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!

It was a ten minute break between classes, so they had some time to pick the gum and snozberry jam off their shoes. Harry and Hermione found Ron doing just that, so naturally, they joined him. The three of them were swapping manly stories when they heard an unfamiliar voice address them.

"Hi, I'm like, lost, like, could you studs, like help me? I'll, like, give you autographed underwear, like, if you do." They looked up to see none other than the princess of pop, Britney Spears, standing above them, twirling her tortured hair. She had two kits worth of make-up on and was wearing a cross between a bikini and laderhosen with sparkly gold fringe on the ends. Suddenly Dean Thomas spun onto the scene with an eager look on his face.

"Autographed underwear?" he said excitedly, then saw it was Britney Spears, and his smile fell into a pout. "Awwww…You're not Shakira…" He trudged away, his head hung in shame.

"Won't, like, anyone take this?" Britney asked, holding a pair of pink silk panties with her name written on them with sniffy felts.

"I will!" Britney tossed the panties to Hermione, who promptly stuffed them in her bag.

"Umm…why are you here?" Harry asked.

"So everyone can, like, make fun of me. Everyone's, like, so mean to me!" she wailed pitifully. Ron patted her back, but was completely off guard when she pulled him in and squeezed him to the point of choking. She wiped her nose on his robes and continued the waterworks.

"We'll help you already!" Ron squeaked.

"Really?" Britney said, letting go of Ron, who was now having a seizure. Her face broke into a cheesy smile. "Like, thank you! I'm so, like, happy! We'll like, be girlfriends in, like, no time!"

"So, what exactly do we do?" Hermione asked.

"I need to annoy everyone unnecessarily, like, then I, like, need to hit on one of, like, you three-"

"You can't hit on Hermione! She's a girl!" Harry protested.

"She is?"

"I'm so insulted!" Hermione said indignantly.

"I'm like, really sorry, like, I seriously like, couldn't tell!"

"Harry, what makes you think that I'm not worthy of being hit on?"

Harry blinked twice in confusion. "…Um…I thought that – well – you were…you know…straight."

"Harry, my hair is completely bushy! How can it look straight to you?"

"I'm not talking about your hair!"

"Well you should specify that, then," Hermione sniffed.

"I was talking about how I didn't think you'd want to be hit on by girls!"

"No, but that doesn't mean I don't deserve to be hit on."

Harry just rolled his eyes. All the way into the back of his sockets.

"Like, can we get back, like, to me?" Britney said.

"What do we need to do then?" Harry asked.

"I, like, need a rubber chicken, a package of like, lip gloss, and some, like, Oxo powder. Beef flavored. Oh, like, I forgot, and some letter bombs."

"Er-"

"What?" Hermione said quizzically, "What does that have to do with anything?"

"Like, I'll know when you give it to me," she said as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. They could only stare at the insane Britney.

To their surprise, Frodo Baggins barged onto the scene again, pushing the seizuring Ron aside to scrub the floor. Britney gasped at the sight of him and fluttered her eyelashes.

"Like, what's your name, like, cutie?" Britney said sweetly, "I'm like, Britney Spears!"

Frodo looked utterly disgusted. But then a plan formed in his mind, so he faked a happy face. "I'm Frodo Baggins. I'm a hobbit, see."

"Wow!" Britney gushed, looking very impressed. Harry and Hermione raised their eyebrows. "I like, loved the Lord of the Rings movie! Like, I couldn't, like, understand it, like, oh well!"

"Neat. Are you free right now?"

"Like, sure am!" Britney held out her hand and he stood up to take it, when he suddenly realized something.

"Are you sure this is a good idea? You're 3 feet taller than me, see?"

"Like, don't worry, Frody-Wody, short men, like, turn me on!"

They started to walk off, hand in hand, when suddenly-

"OH NO YOU DON'T!" Dumbledore screamed while doing a Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon flying jump. He air tackled the two of them down to the ground. "Both of you will spend the rest of your days scrubbing floors! That'll teach you to try and escape the fury of an old senile man!"

"Aww…" They picked up the pail of water and the sponge and walked away sombrely.

"I wasn't really going to date you anyway, I just wanted to get out of the castle," Frodo could be heard explaining to Britney. 

"Why does every guy I hit on always say that!" she complained. "Damn all men! Damn them!"

As soon as Britney Spears had left the room, Ron miraculously recovered from his seizure, and leapt to his feet. Dumbledore back flipped out of the room, landing in a left Zenkutsa-dachi, looking for more rule breaking.

"That was the most frightening experience of my life." Harry concluded.

"You haven't had Malfoy hang off the back of your leg," Hermione challenged.

"That's nothing," Ron said passively, "My craziest moment had to do with a rubber chicken, a package of lip gloss, beef flavoured OXO and some letter bombs."

They weren't quite curious about that, so they left that alone. They walked and walked, and walked and walked, and walked until they finally gave up on the scenic route to class. They seemed to be lost.

"I think we're lost."

"No duh, Hermione," Ron stated flatly.

Harry looked around and spotted a doorway, titled: "Enter only if you eat haggis."

"Why don't we go in there?" Harry suggested.

"We can't," Ron said, "We don't eat haggis."

"But we drink pumpkin juice, and that's about as unusual as haggis," Hermione pointed out."

"I suppose." All three of them entered the unknown realm, only to find the source of all power, the ruler of the world, as we know it-

-_the computer_.

"Woowww…" the trio proclaimed. Harry sat down in the spinny chair, and spun around in it. He could feel the mystical power of the almighty computer flowing through him…

The power to have access to a wealth of knowledge, to change his identity, send messages to people all over the globe, and best of all; the power to order naughty videos online and blame it on Crabbe when they arrive.

"Go on, Harry," Ron nudged in awe, "Sign in."

Harry directed the web site to MSN, and logged in as "Cedrics_sexy_chica31". He then went into the chat room.

Cedrics_sexy_chica31: Is anyone there? Hello?

All three waited anxiously until a reply came up.

M_Jackson123: I'm here, n hi 2 U 2! LOL! LMAO! ROTFLMAO! J/K! J/J!

"Wow, magic!" Hermione and Ron exclaimed breathlessly behind Harry, goggling at their new hero. For who but the-boy-who-lived could control such an awesome power?

Cedrics_sexy_chica31: Who else is there?

Ozzy_Oz: *beep*!

Better_than_Potter: me.

Dead_Ceds_Chick: Im here too Dont you love chairs I like kites better than giraffes Whats you favourite place to put boxes

gottacatchemall: Me too stop

Crayon_on_Mars: HERE!

Cedrics_sexy_chica31: Hi, guys! Chairs are alright, but I like giraffes better. I put my boxes in the closet, thank you very much. Did you know Cedric too, Dead_Ceds_Chick?

Dead_Ceds_Chick: Yeah I was his girlfriend He died in the tournament Were you there You were the one with the beer hat and the roller blades werent you

Cedrics_sexy_chica31: No. I was in the tournament. I think Lavender Brown might've had a beer hat though.

M_Jackson123: He died! Thatz funnie! LOL! LMAO! ROTFLMAO!

Crayon_on_Mars: WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? HE DIED, MAN! GET OFF CHAT, MAN! AND GET SOME THERAPY!

M_Jackson123: U crak mi up! LOL! LMAO! ROTFLMAO!

M_Jackson123 has left chat.

Ozzy_Oz: Crazy son of a *beep*!

Cedrics_sexy_chica31: Better_than_Potter, do you go to Hogwarts?

Better_than_Potter: where else would i go? i have to deal with stupid potter everyday. I'm better than he is, did you know?

gottacatchemall: We guessed that stop

Crayon_on_Mars: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? DO YOU ALL KNOW EACH OTHER OR SOMETHING? IS THIS AN ALIEN CONSPIRACY?

Dead_Ceds_Chick: No this is a wizarding conspiracy If youre a Muggle you wouldnt know anything about it because weve kept it from you for hundreds of years

Cedrics_sexy_chica31: You idiot! You've just revealed to the world that wizards do exist! Have you gone mad?

Dead_Ceds_Chick: Im not mad Im just insane Cedrics death screwed me up so much that I can read minds And I don't care if I broke our secrecy Im Cho Chang and I can get away with everything.

Cedrics_sexy_chica31: It's no wonder you're screwed up.

Better_than_Potter: yes, you're even worse than potter.

Dead_Ceds_Chick: I hope you all fry in noodles for being so mean to me

Dead_Ceds_Chick has left chat.

Ozzy_Oz: Crazy *****beep*!

Cedrics_sexy_chica31: How can you agree with me and insult me in the same sentence, Better_than_Potter?

Better_than_Potter: you're potter? i can't believe i had a chat conversation with road kill scar!

Cedrics_sexy_chica31: IT'S A RAIN CLOUD!

Better_than_Potter: weasley, get off the computer.

Harry looked expectantly at Ron, who had temporarily stole his keyboard to correct Malfoy. He shamefully passed it back to Harry and started at the bit of snozberry jam on his shoe he had missed earlier.

Crayon_on_Mars: OMIGOD! I'M TALKING TO HARRY POTTER? OMIGOD! WILL YOU GO OUT WITH ME? I LOVE YOU!

Cedrics_sexy_chica31:…

Better_than_Potter: what? i'm way hotter than him! why don't you want to go out with me?

Crayon_on_Mars: BECAUSE YOU DON'T WEAR LEATHER PANTS.

Cedrics_sexy_chica31: And since when do I wear leather pants?

Crayon_on_Mars: ALL HEROES WEAR LEATHER!

gottacatchemall: Now Im scared stop

Crayon_on_Mars: WHY?

gottacatchemall: Im a hero too stop Does that mean I have to wear them too stop

Better_than_Potter: and what exactly have you done?

gottacatchemall: I saved the world using my Pikachu stop

Cedrics_sexy_chica31: You're the Pokemon kid! Get off chat! You're not welcome here!

Better_than_Potter: and haven't you ever heard of punctuation? what's with the stop thing?

gottacatchemall: Shaddup stop You cant use the shift key so I wouldnt talk stop

gottacatchemall has left chat.

Ozzy_Oz: Crazy son of a *beep*!

Cedrics_sexy_chica31: You can't use the shift key? You loser! Everyone knows how to use it!

Better_than_Potter: i'm telling!

Better_than_Potter has left chat.

Ozzy_Oz: Crazy son of a *beep*!

Crayon_on_Mars: WILL YOU GO OUT WITH ME OR NOT?

Cedrics_sexy_chica31: No. You're not supposed to hook up with people over the internet.

Crayon_on_Mars: NOOOOO! I'VE BEEN REJECTED!

Crayon_on_Mars has left chat.

Ozzy_Oz: Crazy *beep*!

Cedrics_sexy_chica31: Aren't you going to talk at all? All you do is swear at people when they leave.

Ozzy_Oz: You crazy son of a *beep*!

Ozzy_Oz has left chat.

Cedrics_sexy_chica31: Am I all alone now?

GreasyInsensitiveGit: Potter! 5000 points from Gryffindor! Get off the computer! NOW!

Cedrics_sexy_chica31 has left chat.

Harry, Ron and Hermione stared the computer for a few moments, then looked at each other.

"Maybe it's a bit too much power for me to handle," Harry suggested.

"Yeah," Hermione and Ron agreed. They all quietly backed out of the room on tiptoe, then bolted towards their next class as soon as they'd reached the hall.

I have an important author's note! I will not be updating for a long time because Lent is coming, and I vowed to give up the internet. So therefore, I cannot update. On the plus side, I did this so I could fully write out my stories, so I should have a bunch of chapters to put up once Lent is over at Easter. Sorry, guys!


	4. The Skeeter Show and Harry's Feminine Si...

Author's Notes: Easter's here! Yay! I can write again!

Disclaimer: I own nothing except this chapter! Which uses stuff that I have no power over or the brains to invent. *sniff*

Clutching the stitches in their sides and their throbbing funny bones (they had to elbow a rather persistent and annoying suit of armor out of the way), they arrived at the classroom door. But not before slipping on thousands of hot wheel cars made in 1990.

The Home Alone kid whirled around the corner and looked at them. 

"AAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!" he screamed girlishly while slapping his hands to his face. He then proceeded to scurry in the opposite direction until he disappeared down a stairway.

Ron glared at where he'd vanished. "Damn Macaulay Culkin." He yelled after him, "GET OVER IT! YOU'RE NOT FAMOUS ANYMORE!"

To act in Culkin's defense, a paint can swung from where it was bound to the wall on a string, swinging towards our heroes. The string broke halfway there, and it fell down with a splat, covering everything with neon pink paint except for its intended victims. Harry shook his head.

"Pathetic. Simply pathetic," Harry said shamefully. They all stood and cautiously entered the room.

"Aaaaannnd here are our first guests!"

Harry, Ron, and Hermione were met with a startling applause from the audience. The stage was a complete rip off the Maury show. There were several chairs beside the hostess, who was none other than-

"Rita Skeeter!" Hermione shrieked. "But you're trapped in my bug jar!"

"Not anymore!" she said happily. "I snuck out and put a potatoe in my place. You've been feeding it for a month."

Hermione rummaged in her book bag, tossing Britney's panties aside in annoyance. She produced a jar with, sure enough, a large potatoe sitting amongst some leaves and a twig. "And I thought you were just getting fat," she exclaimed in astonishment.

"Sit down already," Rita ordered, and they did so. "We're here to clear up some issues that have been following you all around."

"Issues?" Harry said.

"Rumors, issues, big dif. First question – Harry, is it true that you and Cedric Diggory were having an affair?"

Harry's face scrunched up in disgust. "Eeeewwwww! I would never **_ever_** do that!" 

"Don't lie, Harry. We have footage of you two in the Astronomy Tower," Rita said evilly. 

"I never did anything in the Astronomy Tower! And you can't use Muggle devices at Hogwarts, so you couldn't have videotaped anything! It's a lie!" Harry cried out in protest, but Ron was starting to get a little suspicious.

"Harry, you did sneak off to the prefects bathroom once," Ron said slowly.

"That was only because Cedric told…me…to…go…" Harry realized just how sick that sentence sounded and abruptly started to go red.

"So you admit it?" Rita said slyly. Oh yes, she would get her good ratings with stuff like this.

"Never! I never have, and never will do anything like that with another guy!" Rita snapped her fingers and footage showed up on the screen behind them. 

"_Hello, Severus_," said Rita on the screen in a silky voice.

"Andrew, you twit! That's the wrong tape! I need the one of Harry and Cedric!" Rita screeched. The picture flickered and was replaced with another. 

This one had Harry and Cedric standing on opposite sides of the Astronomy tower.

"_Harry! I've been in love with you ever since that first Quidditch Match_!" The movie Cedric gushed. 

"_Really_?" the other Harry giggled, a blush overcoming his freckles.

"Waaaiiiitttt…Freckles?" Hermione said. Just then the screen Harry's wig fell off, revealing him to be none other than Seamus Finnigan.

"_Damn_," he said in his Irish accent. Cedric looked appalled.

"SEAMUS? WHAT THE HE-"

"Let's bring him out then. Seamus!" Rita called.

A puzzled Seamus stumbled on stage through the door that Harry and co. came through earlier. Harry gave him a death glare.

"WHY. IN. HELL. DID. YOU-" Harry was cut off by the flamboyant Ms. Skeeter.

"I'll be asking the questions here. Seamus, is it true you impersonated Harry Potter to be with your true love, Cedric Diggory?" she asked with a malicious gleam in her eye. Seamus swallowed nervously.

"Erm…" Seamus said, looking over at Harry. Harry was giving him such a frigid glare that Seamus literally froze on the spot.

"Shit," Rita said. "Just put him on a window sill or something. He'll melt." A worker man with a nametag that said "Hi! I'm a little teapot!" pulled Seamus offstage. Rita rounded on the kids again. "Hermione, is it true that your spew is really a cover-up to support your cocaine habits?"

Hermione was appalled. "How _dare_ you!"

"You think I wouldn't notice when you _kidnapped_ me?" Rita glared evilly. The audience gave the appropriate gasp of shock as directed by the cue card man. At that the Hogwarts swat team stormed in and carried Hermione away in handcuffs. Ron and Harry exchanged nervous glances.

"Rooonnn," Rita said, smiling innocently. "Did you ever-" Ron jumped out of his seat.

"RUUUNNNN, HARRRRYYYY!!! SAVE YOURSEEEEEEEELLLLLLFFFF!" Ron yelled dramatically as security guards pinned him down to prevent his escape. Harry ran, in slow motion (because this is TV after all) with the whole audience following him, to the door. He was running – and running- and someone had tried to catch him but got his shoe instead – and running –

When he reached the door and slammed it in everyone's face, fleeing from the Skeeter Show. He paused for a moment, to remember his now doomed friends.

"After all that rule breaking, and the plotting of Malfoy's ruin, it had to come to this." Harry wiped a tear from his eye, then put a look of triumph on his face. "But I won in the end!" He did a little jig and moved on. 

Suddenly, as if from no where, sweet, little, untainted, completely innocent Ginny came around the corner carrying a large, bubbling, purplish greenish brownish orange potion. Harry privately cursed the laws of Inertia when they naturally crashed into each other and the potion spilt all over Harry.

"Oh, Haaarrrrrryyyyy!" Ginny cried. "I've gone and spilt my wretched potion all over your poor little self! What am I to do!" She batted her eyelashes for dramatic effect.

"…I thought you were supposed to be shy around me," Harry said suspiciously. Ginny blushed.

"Everyone wants me to be more forward and to be the perfect dream girl, because so little is known about me!" Ginny said, looking rather like a Disney leading lady. "Naturally, they take that for granted and mold me into whatever they want! Oh, wooooeee is me!"

"I'm sure," Harry said sarcastically, and in a little higher voice than he meant to. "Waaaaiiiiit a minute…" Ginny gasped delicately.

"Harry! You've gone and turned yourself into a – a _girl_!" Ginny exclaimed. Harry paled and looked down at his chest. There stood two Pamela Anderson sized lumps – okay, maybe a little smaller than that - and his waist had shrunk 13 inches. Harry sprang up and sprinted to the mirror, and he gazed in. Staring back at him, was a beautiful green-eyed black-haired girl with glasses and a lightning shaped scar on her forehead.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!" squealed the now undoubtedly female Harry, with a very nice arse, if you asked Sir-Mix-A-Lot. Ginny giggled with happiness.

"Oh, Harry! Now you can join my Astonishingly Gorgeous Girls Club!" Ginny gushed attractively. "It's for astonishingly gorgeous girls! Lavender and Parvati have already joined, and Fleur Delacour is an honorary member who is in charge of our headquarters in France!" 

Harry looked at her in fear. The one thing he/she feared most of all was being in a room full of shallow and giggly girls, much less being one himself. Ginny grabbed his/her arm and started to drag him/her off. "We can do your hair, and talk about Draco Malfoy's butt, and all sorts of ways to give your eyes that awesome smoky look without overdoing it!"

"No! Ginny, you don't understand! I have to get to Dumbledore right away to fix this!" Harry struggled in vain against Ginny's grasp. His/her new girl arms weren't quite as seasoned as Ginny's. "Let go of me! I don't want to join your club!"

"Why not?" Ginny replied melodically. "You'll fit in just fine! I'll lend you some of my tampons even!" Harry nearly fainted at that statement. He/she wasn't ready to have a period! It isn't natural!

"LET GO, GINNY! NOW!" Harry struggled to flee, but then the worst possible thing happened. 

"And who is this charming young Gryffindor?" Harry looked behind him/her in fear as Draco Malfoy approached them.

"Oh, her name is Harriet! She's going to join my club!" Ginny bubbled, turning giddy at the sight of Draco. Harry took this moment to wrench himself away from Ginny's hold. Unfortunately, his/her efforts took momentum that flung him/her into Draco.

Draco, going completely out of character and blindly ignoring the resemblance to Harry, kissed him/her. It was the utter most disgusting moment of Harry's life. Especially since all of a sudden he changed back into a boy.

"POTTER?!?!?!?!?!?!?!" Draco spluttered in surprise, backing away. Harry ran away to barf as Ginny started to loudly complain that she had lost a member of her club. Harry composed a short but heartfelt prayer thanking whatever great entity was out there that he wouldn't have to buy push up bras after all.

Alright, I know the potatoe thing is a complete rip-off from that one Garfield comic, but it fits so perfectly! Please forgive me!!!!!!


	5. Time Travel TurnAround

Author's Notes: I don't know whether this chapter's any good or not, so feedback is important! Short, but I think it's funny. Tanoshimu!

Disclaimer: I don't own anything! Not even the Shakira windmill thing I keep on doing every time I walk down the hallway!

Harry was exiting the bathroom groggily when suddenly his face was assaulted by a time-turner.

"NNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!! ITT'SSSSSSSSSSSSS AAAAAALLLLLLLLLLIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVVVVVVVVVVVVEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!" Harry screeched while tossing about violently on the floor. The time turner spun away. 

"Oooh! I love this game!" exclaimed a familiar voice. Harry held up three fingers. "Three words – Flopping great fish?"

Harry shook his head. "Oh! Oh!" said another familiar voice, "I know! Lack of oxygen!" Harry shook his head again.

"I get it!" the first voice started, "Greasy insensitive git!"

"No!" Harry yelled, getting up to his feet, "It's WHAT THE HELL!?!?!"

"Ooooooohhh! Now I get it!" Harry looked around at the people. In front of him were the younger versions of Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, and the curiously chocolate smeared Peter Pettigrew.

"You!" Harry yelled, then rammed himself into Peter. "This is for being a rat!" He gave Peter a noogie.

"Ahhhhhhh! Heee-eeeeellllppppppp!" Peter squeaked.

"And this is for killing my parents!" Harry stomped on his foot. "And this is for wasting perfectly good chocolate!" Harry flung Peter into a wall. Remus and Sirius finally cut in and pulled Harry away.

"James, what was that for?" Sirius said.

"Yeah, what was that for?" Remus repeated.

"I'm not James, I'm Harry!" Harry protested. Just then a red-haired girl bounced into the room and, seeing Harry, skipped over and nearly squeezed him to death.

"Oh, James! There you are! I _looooooovvvvveeeee_ you!" she gushed.

"MOM?!" Harry yelled, realizing that the girl was Lily. Lily slapped him.

"What is wrong with you?! I told you never to relate me to that tub of lard of yours again!" Lily scolded, giving Harry _the look_. 

"I'm not James, I'm Harry! And you're my Mother!" Harry shouted, and everyone gave a collective gasp. Except for Peter, who was bawling like a newborn in the corner, rocking back and forth.

"Really?" Sirius whispered.

"Yeah, really?" Remus whispered.

"Yes!" Harry exclaimed, "And I'm from the _future!_" 

"Oh, good," Lily sighed, "it's just some random high kid from the future, and not James. I hate James."

"But you just said you loved him," Harry said.

"No I didn't. I never will! DAMN YOU, JAMES POTTER!" Lily cursed, even though there was a completely obvious look of love in her eyes.

"What's that about me?" said gangsta James, strolling coolly into the room to the tune of 50 Cents' "In Da Club". A group of random fans ran in after him.

"James, you're so awesome!"

"James, can I have your autograph?"

It continued on like this until James finally dispersed the people by handing out pre-signed photos of him on a Harley-Davidson Shooting Star. He then spotted Peter in the corner. "What's up with Wormtail?"

"This guy from the future beat him up!" Sirius stated.

"Yeah, this guy from the future beat him up!" Remus repeated. James looked at Harry over his sleek multi-coloured sunglasses.

"Look, man!" he shouted, "It's my evil twin brother!"

"I thought he got lost in Bermuda," Peter whined from the corner.

"No, that was my cousin Barry," James exacted.

"What did happen to your twin, then?" Peter queried.

"Didn't he fall off Big Ben?" Sirius added.

"Yeah, didn't he?"

"Oh, shut up!" Harry interrupted. "I'm not James' twin! I'm from the future! And I've got something very important and essential to your lives to tell you."

"Really?" James asked giddily.

"Oh yes."

"Do I get to go on American Idol?" Lily asked.

"No, you don't know what that is yet. Heck, I don't even know what that is yet! I'm only from 1995!"

"Dammit, we always get the sucky time-travelers!" James pouted. Harry ignored this.

"Listen carefully – " Harry took a deep breath, "WINKY THE HOUSE ELF GETS HAMMERED!"

"Wooooooowwwwww!" they all said.

"He must be from the future!" Sirius concluded.

"Yeah, he must be from the future!" Remus agreed.

Harry grinned. "Thank you! Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go find Dumbledore and get him to enroll me and let all chaos break loose!" With a jolly wink, Harry went off to find Dumbledore.

He came to his office and magically knew the password ("Voldy smells!") and went in. He found Dumbledore stroking a white persian cat with his pinky held up to his mouth.

"Howdy, Professor! I'm Lily and James' son from the future! I want to be enrolled in Hogwarts until I go back to the future!" Harry explained cheerfully, when in an instant Christopher Lloyd popped out of thin air and shook Harry by the shoulders.

"Marty!" he cried, "Biff took the time machine! We have to save your parents!"

"I'm sorry, I think you're looking for Michael J. Fox," Harry said bewilderedly. 

"Great Scott!" Christopher Lloyd said, then dashed off into the hallway.

"Anyway-" Harry continued, but Dumbledore slammed his bony fist on the table.

"The answer is NO! I'm NOT letting you into the school to pretend to be an exchange student EVEN THOUGH HOGWARTS HAS NEVER HAD ONE BEFORE to TOTURE Snape and Malfoy and to RANDOMLY DROP HINTS ABOUT THE FUTURE to the students!"

"But I – "

"I said NO! ATTACK, MY KILLER BUDGIES!" A flock of yellow budgies fluttered after Harry, squawking and chirping as loudly as possible.

"AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!" Harry squealed. He ran as fast as he could to flee the budgies, who were pursuing him swiftly yet inefficiently. He suddenly ran into the time turner he had used earlier. 

He slipped on it, causing it to spin uncontrollably while Harry was whirled into the future. He landed hard on his rear.

"Harry!" cried out Hermione. Harry blinked up at her, waiting for his eyes to refocus. He had the worst hangover in the history of Hogwarts.

"You're back!" Ron proclaimed.

"I must have lost my marbles," Harry hypothesized. 

"You don't have any marbles," Hermione pointed out. 

"Oh yeah!" Harry leaped up, his senses recollected. "I though you guys were trapped in the Skeeter Show."

"Oh, that," Ron chuckled, "Dumbledore Bruce Lee-ed Rita Skeeter's arse and busted us out. He also fired the old Swat team and hired a new one."

"Who've we got now?"

"The Beverly Hillbillies."

"Wicked!" Harry awed. "Granny's the best!"

"Not really," Hermione said sadly, "they took over the Staff Room and turned it into a chicken roost."

"What about the time turner?" Harry asked warily. "It just flew into my face and I got sent back in time."

"Hermione threw it at you to get your attention," Ron said.

"Oh." They stood there for about 5 minutes before Harry realized something. "Hermione, you don't have a time turner anymore. You got rid of it in your Third year."

"Did I?" she said nervously. Hermione inconspicuously picked up the time turner and threw it out the window, destroying the evidence. "Well then, we'll just say I don't have one."

"Okay!" Ron and Harry chimed.

Unbeknownst to them, the time turner fell on Sailor Moon while she was cleaning a window below them, and sent her off to some past year.

"What the!?!" Sailor Moon cussed, looking around her. Some funny looking people were sitting around a table, plotting something hideous.

"I say we stab Caesar!" said one, looking around proudly.

"Yeah, let's get him!" everyone said.

"Oh, shit," Sailor Moon cursed.


	6. Diamonds are a Girl's Best Friend!

Author's Notes: AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! I HAVE WRITER'S BLOCK! GYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

Disclaimer: If I owned Harry Potter, the world would not be a safe place. Be warned.

And so, the Dream Team continued on to their next class. Unfortunately, as they should have realized before when they tried to reach it, was that it was impossible to find.

"It's not fair!" Ron protested, stomping his feet in a hissy fit. "I wanna find the rrroooooooooommmmm…WAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!" Hermione abruptly smacked him. "OW! What was that for?"

"Well, what do you think?" Hermione retorted.

"I don't know. What do you think?"

"What do you think that I think?

"What do you think that I think that you think?"

"What do you think that-"

"SHUT UP!" Harry yelled, slamming his fists on the ground. Hermione and Ron stared at him as if his forehead read: "I lost my virginity".

"Harry!" Hermione chided, "Have you gone mad?"

"Yes, I believe he has," Ron agreed. "Banging his fists about on the bloody floor."

"Me? Mad?" Harry stated in disbelief. "You two are the ones that go on for an hour with pointless repetitive arguments! If I do go mad, you'll be the ones to drive me insane!"

"I zink you're all insane," came a voice so soft, so French, that it could only be-

"Celine Dion?" Harry said, dumbstruck.

Fleur Delacour popped out of nowhere and backhanded the bilingual singer. "Back off! Zis is my cameo!" She abruptly pushed the singer down the stairs, leaving her to fall down all 43 flights.

"AAAIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!" Celine screamed.

"Fleur!" Ron gasped wistfully.

"Fleur," Hermione groaned. 

"Doritos!" Harry yelled, lunging for the unopened bag left on the bench. He began to eat them all, completely ignoring Fleur. 

"Oh, 'Arry! Why must you always ignore me? What must I do?" Fleur pleaded prettily. Hermione went to go fetch a napkin for Ron, who was drooling all down his front. 

Harry looked up from his food. "Oh, hi Fleur! When did you get here?"

"Oh, 'Arry!" Fleur wailed. "I've been 'ere since you started eeting ze Doreetos! Won't you evair love me like I love you?!" 

"You have?" Harry looked in his bag. "Oh. You should have asked for one sooner, I've eaten them all now." Fleur burst into a wave of tears and flung herself at Harry's feet. "What's wrong? You got something in your eye?"

Ron (who was clean now) came forward. "Fleur – you have a nice necklace."

Fleur hopped to her feet as if nothing had occurred. "'Arry! Zat reminds me! I 'ave somezing vairy important to tell you!"

"What? Is there another bag?" Harry asked hopefully.

"No!" Fleur shouted. "'Arry! Zis necklace zat I 'ave from France, eet 'as vairy powerful and mysterious magic!" she whispered.

"Really? That's nice," Harry said inattentively, looking around for any other bags of chips. 

"Oh yeah?" came a challenge from the jealous Hermione. "My bracelet from Barvaria is twice as powerful as your puny necklace!" Fleur's face dropped as if she had been slapped.

"Liar! Zis necklace is so powerful, 'E-'Oo-Must-Not-Be-Named is after me to get eet!" Fleur shot back.

"Yeah, well mine is _so_ powerful that everyone in the world is after it!" Hermione barked.

"My ring's better than either of yours!" Frodo Baggins claimed, scrubbing a suit of armor. The girls ignored him. 

As Hermione and Fleur started to have a huge cat fight, Harry and Ron noticed something.

"Hey, Harry," Ron said, yawning, "there's a large rat crawling towards the girls with a silver paw."

"Oh, that's nice," Harry said lazily, "There's nothing suspicious about that."

"Of course not," Ron agreed, "It's not like it's Wormtail or anything."

"Nnnnnnnnnnooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!" Fleur suddenly wailed as Hermione struck her with a hockey stick. "My necklace! Eet's gone!" Hermione stopped to gape.

"What?" Hermione asked. Fleur glared at her.

"YOU STOLE EET!" 

"I did not, you sod!" Hermione screeched. She held her hand and wiggled it gloatingly. "My bracelet is all I need." She looked closer at her finger. "Wait – MY BRACELET'S GONE!" Hermione advanced on Fleur.

"I did not steal eet, you butch!"

"Tramp!" They went back to slapping each other.

"Harry!" Ron gasped, "You don't suppose-"

"That Clark Kent isn't Superman after all?" Harry finished excitedly.

"Of course!" Ron agreed. "I don't see why we didn't see it all along!"

Parvati Patil walked out of a closet with her date from Beauxbatons, their clothing and hair messed up, and Parvati's lipstick smudged everywhere. "Retards!" she scolded, "the rat was WORMTAIL and he stole their jewelry!"

"Ooooohhhh…"

"Cripes! I'm barely in the books and even I could figure that one out!" Parvati then dragged off her date, who was looking quite giddy. 

"What do you think Voldemort will do with the jewelry, Ron?" Harry whispered.

"The world may never know," Ron shook his head, "the world may never know."

_"Wormtail, have you brought me the bracelet and the necklace?" Voldemort queried._

"Yes, Master!" Wormtail replied as he hobbled over in a failing imitation of Igor and handed him the goods.

"Excellent! Now," Voldemort took out a checklist and crossed two items off. "Haha! Now all we need to do is capture the Millenium Falcon, and we'll win!"

"Like hell you will!" yelled Han Solo.

"Silence! I WILL win this treasure hunt! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!" Voldemort cackled, then abruptly began to choke on the prune he was eating. "Hack! Hack!"

"My Lord, we have beaten you!" Lucius and his group announced as they brought in all their items.

"Damn!"

"Now, what was our little deal again?" Lucius suggested ruthlessly. Voldemort groaned. "Come on, no backing out now!"

All of Voldemort's group hung their heads low and began to warily chant under their breath. "I'm a little teapot, short and stout."

"Louder!" commanded Lucius, holding out rainbow coloured tutus. "Put these on. And you have to dance, too!"

Harry and Ron shuddered involuntarily.

"I hope the world never knows," Harry concluded. "I desperately hope so."

"What are you two talking about?" Hermione asked cheerfully. Fleur was nowhere in sight.

"What happened to Fleur? Weren't you two fighting a minute ago?"

"Ron, I have no idea what you're talking about," Hermione bubbled.

Meanwhile…

"'EEEELLLLPP!!!" yelled Fleur, who was tied to the Quidditch goal post. "I 'AVE BEEN ATTACKED BY A RABID BOOKWORM!!!!"

"Shall we move along then?" Hermione said, skipping along.

"Alright…" they said, unsure of Hermione's new attitude.

This was turning out to be a looooonnnnngggg day.__

I'm not sure whether this one is good or not, because I am suffering from writer's block. *A huge 10 ton block falls on her* Owwwwww…See what I mean? . R&R


	7. Pain is Love

Author's Notes: I hope this chapter's a bit more exciting than the last one was, because I wasn't too fond of it. With the exception of the Death Eater scene…*snickers* Enjoy!

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter. I'm not **that** smart. Or creative.

"I play Ookazi, which wipes out your life points!" Harry proclaimed smugly, folding his arms across his chest.

"Argghh!!!!!" Ron cried in frustration. "You always win at Yu-Gi-Oh cards! I hate you!" Harry cackled as he collected his booty – jumbo Pixy Stix®.

Hermione peered over the top of the Dick and Jane book she was reading. "There is something else you could play- "

"No Hermione, we will not play the drinking game with you." The girl sniffed and turned back to her intensive and intellectually challenging reading.

Without any warning, Ginny Weasley slid down the banister at 60 km/h and landed on Harry, giving him a big ol' bear hug.

"Harry! I have discovered that I have an undying love for you!" Ginny squealed.

"What?" Harry choked.

"Yes, it's true! Oh, Harry, you complete me!" Ginny sighed. "Did you get me a ring?"

"Hold it!" Harry shouted, pushing Ginny off. "A _ring_?"

"Why not? Aren't you going to propose?"

"No," Ron said, getting up. "He's proposing to _me_."

"Huh?!?!?!" Harry backed away from them, scared for his life.

"Come on, Harrykins," Ron cooed. "We've been best friends for years! It's so obvious that we're going to hook up."

"No," Harry protested, "That – that's-"

"Impossible," Hermione finished. 

"Thank you," Harry smiled at the walking encyclopedia.

"Because Harry's going to marry me."

"NNOO!!!!!" Harry screamed, running towards the portrait door.

"But we love you!" Harry moved to open the portrait when it swung open with such an unimaginable force that it knocked him into a suit of armor. 

"Potter!" exclaimed Malfoy, standing in the doorway. "There you are! I was just coming to tell you that I've loved you ever since I laid eyes on you!"

Harry sputtered and went as pale as a corpse. Draco walked towards him, arms outstretched and a lovesick grin on his face. "Get away from me!" Harry slapped Draco and ran as fast as he could out the door.

"Waaaiiiiiiittttttt!!!!!" he heard Parvati's voice come from inside, "I haven't told you that I love you yet!" 

That simply added fuel to the fire, and Harry kept sprinting until he came upon a fork in the hallway. He stopped to catch his breath and weigh his options.

"Dumbledore obviously took the red pill instead of the blue one this morning, so I can't go to him. McGonagall reeks, so she's out of the question…"

"Harry? Is that you?"

Harry looked up to see Neville. He groaned. Then he noticed something odd about the scene.

"What are you doing with Fawkes?"

Neville looked both ways and squeaked to Harry, "She's making me date him! I don't even like birds! And it keeps on trying to bite me! When it squawks, I swear it's saying '_Neville! Neville!_' It's really starting to creep me out, man! You've got to help me!" Fawkes randomly attacked Neville's ear, causing a shriek and the boy slapping at the bird with a dishrag, trying to keep it away. "See what I mean?!!"

"Who's 'she'?" Harry asked, dreading the answer.

Neville pointed to a dusty corner where there was a girl with a keyboard and a computer monitor sitting on her lap. "Her! Right there!"

"Neville, you twit!" she yelled. "You're not supposed to point out the author!"

"Haven't I seen you before?" Harry inquired.

"No," she lied.

"Can you pllllleeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaassssseeeeee make the bird go away?" Neville begged. "I can't take it anymore!"

"No! You will date the bird until I say you don't, got that?" Neville nodded, his eyes as wide as his arse. "Now go!" Neville didn't need to be told twice (except in special circumstances). She turned to Harry. "Turn around and forget I was here, okay?"

"But-"

"It doesn't talk back!"

Harry face-faulted. "What?"

"It does what it's told!" Confused, Harry turned around and forgot about the author. Why?

"Potter," hissed Snape. He launched into a fit of coughing from hissing and abruptly stopped.

That's why.

"I need to see you in my…_office_," Snape leered suggestively, an odd glint in his eyes. "About…_school work_."

Silence. Then-

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" 

Harry ran for the nearest window and hurled himself out, all the while yelling, "MAKE IT STOP! MAKE IT STOP!!!!"

Someone caught him at the bottom (which was relieving and frightening at the same time). He quickly jumped out the person's arms and turned to face his rescuer.

It was Quirrell.

"_You!_" gasped Harry. 

Quirrell smiled. His face wasn't twitching at all.

"Me," he said calmly. "I wondered whether I'd be meeting you here, Potter."

"But I thought – Snape-"

"Serverus?" Quirrell laughed and it wasn't his usual quivering treble, wither, but cold and sharp. "Yes, Serverus does seem the type, doesn't he? So useful to have him swooping around like an overgrown bat. Next to him, who would suspect p-p-poor st-stuttering P-Professor Quirrell?"

Harry couldn't take it in. This couldn't be true, it couldn't.

Harry scrunched up his face. "Wait-a-minute…We've had this conversation already, haven't we?"

Quirrell stroked his chin. "Oh yeah! We did!" he said reflectively. Harry looked pointedly at him. "Oh – right!" Quirrell ran into the Forbidden Forest, because he wasn't supposed to exist anymore. 

"Harry! There you are!" Hermione tackled him with glee. "I _loooove_ you!"

"Get off!" Harry yelled, trying to pry the girl's impenetrable grip.

Hermione looked behind her. "Ron! It's your line now!"

"Oh! Sorry," Ron cleared his throat and squinted at the billboard-sized cue card. "No – Hermione – you – can't – love – him – I – love – you – Harry – you – are – no – longer – my – friend – I – hate -"

"Oh, for cripes' sake," cursed the cue card man, who resembled the man from the Skeeter Show with the "I'm a little Teapot" nametag. "Learn to read, Ron!"

"I can't help it!" Ron said. "Can't I just sulk in the corner out of jealousy?"

"Go ahead." 

Hermione continued to hug Harry. "We're gonna get married, and have babies, and buy a broom…"

Harry grabbed her arm and flipped her over his back.

"Ha! I learned that from Dumbledore!" Harry said impressively.

"Go ahead, leave me!" Hermione wheezed, like some sort of dying villain uttering his last curse. "But there'll be others! Mark my words."

"'Arry!" Fleur yelled from the Quidditch post nearby. "I love you! Can you get me down?"

Harry almost said yes (hey, she's a Veela) when Ron interrupted him.

"Great, now we're getting into the odd pairings."

"Shut up, you fruit!" Fleur yelled, "Or I'll 'ook you up wiz Percy!"

"Stop it! All of you!" Harry shouted. "I don't love any of you! I love-"

Everyone leaned in, waiting for the answer. 

"-Myself!" 

With that, Harry ran into the forest, cackling his scarred head off. Ron and Hermione followed, not knowing the doom that awaited them. 

For you see, in the forest was –

A Powerpuff girl.


	8. Miss Sue to the Rescue!

Author's Notes: HAHAHAHAHAHAA!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'VE BEATEN THE SYSTEM!!! I managed to escape studying to type this, so I laugh! I laugh! I might not be so lucky next time, though…I hope you like it!

Disclaimer: AAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!! I NO OWN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Harry ran like the killer budgies were still after him. He could hear Ron's abnormally large feet padding behind him, so he moved faster every time he could hear a Godzilla type step. Suddenly he crashed into someone.

"Hello!"

Harry looked up to see Blossom, the leader of the notorious biker gang, the POWERPUFF GIRLS! (Or it could be a TV show…). He gasped and yelled, "Omigod! It's Blossom!" He hugged her. "You're my hero!"

"Errr…." 

"Can I have your autograph?" Harry begged, holding out his fluffy pink notebook with purple Snitches all over it. But then he suddenly noticed something about the girl. "How come your face is made of felt?"

"Because," Blossom said in a creepy voice, "Harry, I am your father!"

"NO! NOT THAT OVERUSED LINE!" Harry sank to his knees in mental agony. "Is it true?"

"No! I'm-" the Powerpuff Girl ripped off her large head, revealing – "WORMTAIL!"

Harry slapped him. "How dare you!" he cried, "You always knew it was my dream to meet Blossom! Why do you want to torture me!?" Harry dissolved into tears and pounded the ground with his fists.

"I – er – you see, _someone_ had to lure you to Master, and everyone knows that you worship the Powerpuff girls…" Wormtail said shiftily.

"So you just drew straws and sent yourself off to trick me?" Wormtail nodded. Harry flung himself at him for the second time that day and started to beat him. "You bastard!"

"We meet again, Potter," said a high, cold voice. Harry rounded and came face to face with Voldemort. "I knew you would come."

"You're not Voldemort! You're Michael Jackson!" Harry accused. "See? Your nose is all deformed!"

"I'm not Michael Jackson, he is," Voldemort pointed towards the King of Pop.

"OWW!!!" Michael Jackson screamed as he started to moon walk. 

"Dear God, how did he get here?" Harry stared as Michael spun and wiggled his hips.

"This forest hold many dangerous and strange beasts. I thought you would know that by now," Voldemort said. 

"Oh," Harry said. They were silent for a moment. "Then that would make **you** a –"

"Shut up. I have a deal for you, Potter," Voldemort stated, shifting the Cuban cigar in his mouth, "I want you to become my new Death Eater."

"NEVER!" Harry backed away, tripping over Wormtail.

"But Harry," Voldemort insisted, "If you don't join, I'll kill your parents!"

"No!!!!" Harry clutched the back of his head and rocked back and forth. "You wouldn't! You couldn't!"

"I can and I will!" Voldemort laughed cruelly. "So, I will go to end your parent's lives, and we shall see about your answer."

"But sir," Wormtail protested squeakily, "You already did that!"

Voldemort paused. "Damn," he swore. "How about I put you in charge of the McDonalds™ food chain?"

"McDonalds™?" Harry repeated. His eyes watered. "All the grease fires I could want! You're the best, Voldie!" Harry whipped out a cloak and a Nixon mask and put them on. 

"Heeheehee! Nixon!" Voldemort giggled.

"Harry!" Hermione and Ron had caught up with him. "What are you doing with Voldemort?"

"And why does Michael Jackson have a second cameo?"

Michael Jackson stopped dancing and blinked. "Oh…" He dashed into the trees, to visit with Miss Cleo (who was around there somewhere) and the monkeys from the Wizard of Oz.

"Guys! Come join Voldemort! Maybe he'll give you KFC!" Harry called out from behind his mask.

"KFC? Boo yah!!" Hermione yelled. She put on her cloak and Scream mask.

"KFC? Is that a kind of pie?" Ron queried.

"It's deep fried chicken," Harry provided.

"Deep fried chicken? I'm in!" Ron slipped on his cloak and Pamela Anderson mask.

Voldemort cackled like an old lady and rubbed his flaky hands together. He needed hand lotion. And fast. "Excellent. I have enough Death Eaters to get rid of Wormtail!"

"Eeep!"

Before warning could be given, Voldemort was suddenly knocked out by what looked like a Charlie's Angels shaped blur. It whirled around and the trio gasped.

She was more beautiful than any Veela (Fleur: 'EY!!!! ZAT BEETCH!), with her sculptor shaped ruby lips and exquisite violet eyes framed by the longest and darkest lashes known to man. Her hair was jet black and shone blue, and it was tied up in a simple yet complicated hairdo that revealed the hair's length to be down to her butt. Her shiny black leather cat suit complimented her pearly skin and teeth. And – if I go on I will be murdered. Shutting up.

"Who are you?" Harry whispered, breathless with love. _Wait – I've only seen her for **5** seconds! This is wrong! She can only be a-_

"Mary Sue," she said in the silkiest voice on Earth. "I have just saved you from my father."

Ron gasped and fell over backwards. Harry and Hermione rolled their eyes – only Ron was ever surprised by the Original Characters' pasts these days. And Crabbe. 

"And," she said breathily, fluttering her eyelashes. "I have been waiting to see you for so long! It is our fate that we be together!" She grabbed Harry around the waist. "Forever!!"

Harry flat-lined from disgust and annoyance. Hermione slapped Mary Sue.

"Now look what you've done!" she screeched. "Now the author will have to make some ridiculously elaborate event for him to come back alive!"

"No! Harry! I will save him with my love!" Mary Sue began to glow a gross vomit orange.

"Or Mary Sue will sacrifice herself for his safety." Hermione grinned maniacally. "Come on, now! Pop your clogs!" Much to Hermione's disappointment, Mary Sue used her mystical power that **_everyone_** should be awed and curious about to revive Harry. He wasn't too happy.

"Damn, you're still here, aren't you?" Harry grumbled. Mary Sue tutted.

"Fine then. If you don't want to be with me, I'll have to replace you."

"You can't replace me! I'm The-Boy-Who-Lived!"

"Oh yes I can!" Mary Sue countered, lifting up her bangs to reveal a lightning shaped scar. "I'm The-Girl-Who-Lived!"

Harry was aghast. "That is a rip off! You didn't survive Voldemort's attack, I did! I've got the scar right here!"

"Sorry, sweetheart," she said, "but it looks more like road kill from here."

"What the deuce?" Harry felt his forehead again, and realized his mistake. "You planned this, didn't you!!!"

Ron flung back onto his feet. "No, I did!"

"What?"

"…Nevermind." He pretended to be fainted again.

"With this scar on my forehead, I shall be the ruler of the wizarding world! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-" She cut herself off and ran towards Hogwarts.

"Holy snarfleuffleshugglesmeagolruffagus! We have to follow them!" Harry shouted. Hermione, Ron and himself started running until someone pulled a potatoe sack over their heads. The culprits him them over the head with a crow bar.

"That'll do it," said a voice.

"I'm not _quite_ knocked out yet," Harry pointed out.

"What?"

"Bwlaaaaaaaaaal."

"I know that's what he said, Chewbacca!"

"Try hitting a little harder," Harry suggested.

"Alright, Chewy, hit harder."

THUNK!

"A little bit more effort, I'm almost knocked out," Harry informed.

"Again."

THUNK!

"Nearly got it this time, just a little harder."

THUNK! THUNK! THUNK!

"Finally, Chewy-"

"Not quite!"

"ARRRRGGH!!"

KONK! BANG!

"…"

"You realize that delay will cut your pay, right?"

"Bwalaaaal….."


	9. Gotta be KD!

Author's Notes: This is the last chapter. I mean it! I swear! But I'll miss this fic…*sniffles* Goodbye, HP&TPP! 

Disclaimer: I don't own nuthin! Except for my pride, my insanity, and my budgie! !^_~!

Harry opened his eyes, glancing around at what looked to be a hut built by a retarded carpenter. Hermione and Ron were snogging in the corner.

"AAAAAAGGGGGHHHH!!!! What's the matter with you!" Harry yelled. Hermione and Ron were so startled that they fell off of each other and onto the 70's shag carpet with rainbow colours. "In front of your best friend! You should be ashamed!"

"Geez, Harry!" Ron said. "You're how old now, you'd think you could stand a little kissing."

"I'm much too innocent!" Harry squeaked, covering his ears.

"Grow up," Hermione said. They all leapt to their feet and looked around suspiciously. "Any sign of our captors?" she said, flipping her now Farah Fawcett style hair.

"None," Ron said, his robes now changed into a stylish 60's sophisticated outfit. "See anyone coming, Harry?"

Harry looked out the window, his fluffy, poofy hair gleaming in the sunlight. "No one. Come on, Angels, let's blow this joint!"

Holding their imaginary guns, they backed up together and side-kicked the door down.

"Let's find Bosley," Hermione concluded,

"Wha' are yer tryin' ter do!?!" yelled Hagrid.

"Bosley!" Harry cried, hugging him around the middle. Hagrid hit him on the head.

"I'm not Bosley, yo' dolt! Wha' is this, Charlie's Angels?" Instantly their hair and clothes changed back to normal.

"Hagrid, how come we woke up unconscious in your hut?" 

A sinister look came over Hagrid's face (or what they could see of it).

"Hermione, I've bin wantin' ter talk with yo' three," Hagrid said, "an' so do a lo' o' people. BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHA –HACK! HACK! HACK!" The half giant abruptly started to choke on a hairball from his beard. 

A bunch of characters started to pop out of nowhere – Dobby, Cornelius Fudge, Susan Bones, Amos Diggory, and Monica Lewinsky.

"HEY!" Ron shouted. "You're not in Harry Potter! Get out of here!"

"Awww," Monica Lewinsky trudged off to join the group of rejects in the Forbidden Forest. More and more people popped onto the scene.

"What do you want?" Harry squeaked.

"Dobby is sick and tired of being ignored in fanfiction!" Dobby said, his big eyes watering. "Dobby wants to be a main character for once! Harry Potter must be sick of the slash and other plots he has to act out in stories. Dobby did it for Harry Potter's own good!" The suspense music played softly in the background.

"You and your groupies always hog the spotlight!" Susan Bones said. "We wanna be recognized for a change!" They cheered. "We want there to be fics about us! Not just the Boy-Who-Lived!" More cheering. The music grew louder.

"But I thought you were our friends," Harry sniffled, on the verge of tears.

"We're only your friends when it's convenient," Lavender Brown explained. "You'll get over it."

"But why did you kidnap us?" Ron asked. The music grew even louder.

"Pu' a sock in it!" Hagrid shouted. He shot the conductor with his crossbow. The music abruptly stopped.

"So you can't interfere!" Fudge explained. And then he farted. Hermione was absorbed in a fit of giggles in the "Master of Disguise" rip-off joke.

"We'll let you out after a while, don't worry."

"We must go to free our fellow member, Fleur Delacour!" 

"And to kidnap Ginny, Malfoy and Snape!"

"Yeah! Let's go!"

They shoved the trio into the hut, locked the door, and went off to do their evil deeds.

"How are we ever going to survive!?" Hermione wailed, flipping open Hagrid's Maytag refrigerator. "All Hagrid has is Kraft Dinner!"

"Dear God, are you serious?" Harry said. He saw it was stocked full of the Macaroni and Cheese. How Hagrid managed to live everyday on the stuff, he never would know. "Quick! Check the cupboards!" 

All of the cupboards flew open, and everywhere, and everything they found, was Kraft Dinner.

"Bloody hell, I never knew he was that thick!" Ron said. "He must have a stomach that can digest iron to swallow this stuff!"

"Maybe the closet has something," Hermione said. 

Harry opened it and-

-was immediately bombarded with plushies of every conceivable kind.

"Help! I'm suffocating!" Harry choked. He flapped his hands helplessly, which were the only parts of him sticking out of the mound of stuffed toys.

"Awww! Plushies!" Hermione said, cuddling them. 

"Running out of oxygen, here!"

They (as in Ron. Hermione just gathered more into a group hug) cleared them off their friend, who was blue in the face and had nearly swallowed a Cabbage Patch doll's leg. 

"Say," said Ron. "I have an idea! Why don't we dump all this macaroni in the lake, and make Kraft Dinner! We could solve world hunger!"

"Or launch it at our captors," Hermione said.

"Yes!" Harry exclaimed. "More fame for me!"

"What!?"

"Shht, Ron. I'm famous, you're not." 

So they all went down to the lake to follow through with Harry's ("Hey!") plan. Only to be thwarted by a most complicating obstacle.

"It says that we need 3 tablespoons of butter per box of Kraft Dinner, and we have 54 378 290 boxes of Kraft Dinner, so it would be 3*2+pi-8 squared*1, which would equal – 0.1428125 tablespoons of butter!" Ron said triumphantly.

Hermione, the genius beyond Einstein, with an IQ of 2, cut out the exact measurement of butter Ron had predicted (which looked rather small) and tossed it in. Harry dumped in the noodles, and Hermione poured the powdered cheese in. And somehow, it just didn't look natural. Harry scratched his head.

"It doesn't look like it does in the commercials, does it?" Harry said.

Suddenly three little goldfish rose to the surface.

"It could be worse," said the little boy goldfish, "it says here we have to boil the water!"

"See! Now it does!" Hermione pointed out.

Ron snickered. "Heh-heh, goldfish."

It was then decided that the Kraft Dinner was far too runny to be efficient, so they took Hagrid's plushies and proceeded to throw them at their captors.

"NOOOO!!!!" Dobby screamed as a Pikachu came flying at his face. "DOBBY IS SURE THEY WOULD BE COMING BACK! DOBBY WILL HAVE TO GO TO THERAPY ALL OVER AGAIN!"

"It's working!" Hermione said.

"No shit, Sherlock!" Ron said.

Soon they had bested all their enemies, save the man with the mac & cheese.

"WHA' AR' YEH DOIN' WITH MAH PLUSHIES!" Hagrid boomed.

"Stay where you are, or the bear gets it!" Harry warned. He began to twist its head.

"NO! Don' hur' Mr. Quiggles!" Hagrid sobbed.

"Do you surrender?"

Harry twisted it more, the fabric started to rip.

"Yeah, yeh frigid witch! Jus' leave 'im alone! 'E never di' nothin'!"

They tossed the plushies back to Hagrid, who immediately blubbered over them. "Don' worry, Mary Moogle! Yeh'll never 'ave ter see them again!"

"Now," Ron said, "we have to get rid of the Mary Sue!"

"Yes! Let's!"

They found her snogging Malfoy.

"EWWWW!!!!!!!" Hermione screeched. "How can you stand that!?!?! It must at least taste like garlic!"

"So, Harry, have you decided to give in to destiny?" Mary Sue asked.

"I thought you said I was your destiny!"

"Well I'm changing my destiny to be with Harry. Get over it."

Malfoy ran away, sobbing, "You always use me!"

Harry stepped forward. "Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my fanfic. Prepare to die." He drew his sword. "On guard!"

"I've been fencing my whole life, _and_ I'm the youngest and bestest swordsmaster-person in the world," Mary Sue said egotistically. Hermione giggled at her obvious lack of word power. Oh, how those Sues are evil!

"Damn. It's time for Plan B!" Harry motioned to Ron. "Bring _it_ in!"

Ron dragged in the last thing you would ever expect. Such a rare breed, so often overlooked, it could only be a –

"Marty-Stu," Ron directed, "Go get her!"

The 2 OC's stared at each other for a moment. Then they rushed into each other's arms.

"Finally, my search for the perfect man is over!" Mary Sue squealed.

"I can't believe I was looking for this love in a canon character all along!" he chided, embracing her.

"OH YEAH? WELL YOU WERE LOUSY IN THE SACK ANYWAY, MARTY!" Cho yelled from across the school.

"Cho Chang?" Hermione said in disbelief.

"Man, that girl gets around!" Harry said.

Marty Stu took Mary Sue by the hand and started to lead her away. "Shall we go make our own perfect universe that will be more popular than all other fandoms?"

"Oh, yes, Marty, yes!" she said breathily.

"Okaaay," Harry said, "moving on, now…"

"There will be no more moving on!" cried a girl with a keyboard and a monitor in her lap.

"Who are you?" Ron demanded.

"You never saw me!"

"…What?"

"Go, little boy, go!" Ron, completely against his will, ran away to the Gryffindor Common Room, to sulk about whatever issues he has.

"That wasn't nice," Hermione said.

Hermione suddenly felt herself running to the library.

"Harry," the girl said, "this has ended. Here. Now. No more. Kaputz. Period. Bang. The end."

"But there are so many stories you haven't done yet!" Harry whined. "My parents coming alive! AUs! Torture! Song fics! You can't end it here!"

"I'm bored, and I'm losing my touch. And there's so many clichéd stories out there that it would be impossible to write them all."

"That's it?" 

"And I'm sobbing over the character in The Order of the Phoenix that died."

"OOOoooo! Who?" Harry giggled.

"It shuts its mouth!"

"Wait – a – minute, haven't I seen you before?"

"Nope!" she lied.

"But-"

"It turns around!"

"But-"

"It does what it's told!"

And so Harry turned around. 

Just Kidding! 

And so Harry turned around, and lived out the rest of his days with Ron and Hermione, trying to get rid of the Kraft Dinner in the Lake. Oh, they had their challenges, because, let's face it. This is a story by **me**, you know. And I have one ^*&%ed up mind.

There was only one person who escaped my wrath at Hogwarts…

"You murdered Julius Caesar!"

"I didn't!" said Sailor Moon. "It was all Jackie Chan's fault!"

The end!


End file.
